Friends and family say Manny Pargman would light up a room鈥� he was fun. He played the drums and DJ鈥檈d. In high school, Manny was hired as a party motivator for kids.
鈥淚f you wanted to have a good time, you made sure Manny was there,鈥� said his father, Ben Pargman.
The 18-year-old CU Boulder student had a big smile and lots of dark curly hair. Days after being home in Atlanta for Thanksgiving break, .
Speaking at the funeral, his father asked how someone with so many deep relationships could die this way.
鈥淗ow did we, me first, but then all of us, with all of our love and all of our attention and all of our resources and all of our privilege, how did we completely miss it?鈥� Pargman said.
Pargman is not alone in his grief and frustration. Manny was one of at least four CU students to die by suicide last semester, according to data from the Boulder County Coroner鈥檚 Office. The university lacks comprehensive records so it is unclear if this number is unusual.
Nationally, suicide is a leading cause of death on college campuses. Just over 2% of students attempted suicide in the past year, according to a by the American College Health Association.
鈥淚 don't understand,鈥� Pargman said. 鈥淲hy didn't he just reach out for help? Why didn't he say something? He was home the entire week for Thanksgiving.鈥�
Three months later, Pargman cannot make sense of his son鈥檚 suffering. As far as he knows, Manny had never received mental health treatment. Most people in Colorado .
鈥淚t's a needle in a haystack, actually,鈥� David Jobes, a psychology professor at the Catholic University of America, said. 鈥淭hey're hard to detect, and the majority of people who end up taking their lives don't want mental health care. So it's got to be other things that are done that makes the difference.鈥�
Ben Pargman and others on campus are working to get the word out about suicide risk, hoping to get more people involved in stopping it. Pargman鈥檚 ideas for solutions include online mental health screenings when students are signing up for classes and suicide prevention training for all freshmen.
鈥淲e are regularly evaluating our services, both our prevention and also our support resources,鈥� Kathryn Dailey, CU鈥檚 assistant vice chancellor for health promotion, said.
Services include free counseling and training for faculty and staff. Dailey is working to expand existing peer support programs.
鈥淲e really want to make sure that our students know how to support one another, instead of putting all the onus on individuals to have to support themselves when they're struggling,鈥� said Dailey.
鈥業 was so stressed out鈥�
Among Manny鈥檚 fraternity brothers, informal support systems are growing. This started at the county coroner鈥檚 office the day the young man died.
When Yehuda Halevi, a senior, heard what happened, he went to the coroner鈥檚 office to pray near Manny鈥檚 body until it was flown home. Other fraternity brothers followed.
鈥淚 think a lot of the guys found value in that, not knowing what else to do with themselves, in their grief,鈥� Halevi said. 鈥淎nd so that's the first thing we did.鈥�
Next, Halevi and his rabbi organized weekly meetings at the Chabad house, a Jewish community center on campus. This is a space for vulnerability around topics like grief and darkness.
Ozzie Foster, a good friend of Manny鈥檚, remembers coming to one of the first meetings at the end of a hard day. He had been alone in his dorm room, crying.
鈥淚 was so stressed out,鈥� Foster said. 鈥淎nd I called Yuda 鈥榗ause Yuda鈥檚 the guy that I call when I'm stressed.鈥�
On the phone Yuda, which is Yehuda Halevi鈥檚 nickname, invited Ozzie to come for dinner and the meeting.
鈥淚 went there, and I remember it was so easy to just be able to open up to these people,鈥� Foster said. 鈥淚 felt so content afterwards.鈥�
Foster spoke at Manny鈥檚 funeral and a recent men鈥檚 mental health event at his high school in Denver. He is now working on legislation for CU鈥檚 student government to improve counseling services.
鈥淵ou need to actually talk to your friends. Tell them about therapy. Like, annoy them about therapy,鈥� Foster said. 鈥淵ou know, you can peel them out of bed, bring them outside, get them moving, get them smiling. And you don't know, you could change their life by doing that.鈥�
鈥業've had lots of students come in with shame鈥�
While that mental health needs on campus are significant, research suggests that being a college student reduces risk. Historically, compared to that age group, generally.
鈥淲hile it's protective, it is the second leading cause of death on campus,鈥� Jobes said. 鈥淢any of us who have been in college know that there's social stressors, there are academic demands.鈥�
Before his death, Manny had missed three weeks of his writing class and had failed a psychology midterm.
鈥淪tudents who feel ashamed that they've done poorly, that it means something about who they are, that they've failed,鈥� Vanessa Baird, a political science professor at CU, said. 鈥淚 think that is the most destructive emotion. And I've had lots of students come in with shame.鈥�
Baird didn鈥檛 know Manny. But when she heard about what happened she, and others in her department were moved to give out something called a Manny Card: one time do-over.
鈥淵ou can redo any exam, any writing assignment, whatever you want to do, you can redo,鈥� Baird said.
Next semester, Baird plans to print out red, laminated cards and tell her students about Manny.
Because she teaches freshman classes of 400 students, this is what she wants his father to know:
鈥淭here will be hundreds of students who will hear your child's name, who will get grace on their assignments,鈥� Baird said. 鈥淎nd so, you know, as this explodes into the future, this could touch 1000s and 1000s of people.鈥�
From his home in Atlanta, Ben Pargman has been posting updates about his efforts on , the Youtube page he created. Initially, he was angry, feeling that CU should have done much more to help his son. Then, he began meeting with administrators.
鈥淚 want to say I felt very listened to,鈥� he said in a video posted in February.
During these meetings, Pargman relayed ideas including the Manny card, assigning a therapist to all freshmen, and using campus wifi networks to monitor students for suicide risk.
Not long after, administrators gave Pargman some good news: plans to create a new mental health initiative and task force. Its purpose, announced , will be to measure the impact of mental health policies and to recommend changes, some of which will take effect this Spring.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, help is available. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is open 24/7.
Editor's note: this story has been updated to reflect Kathryn Dailey's correct job title.
